The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
