mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
