sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
