Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
