Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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