I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
