Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
