Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
