So gin and wine won't be happening again
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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