I just threw up on my dentist
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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