Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
