I accidentally burped into my bong.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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