she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
