The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
