then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
