I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
