She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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