So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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