I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
