Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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