remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just had sex bonerless
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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