I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
