dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
