She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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