Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
