Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
