i can't believe i had my finger in that
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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