I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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