her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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