I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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