He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
