so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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