She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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