i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
