The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
