i wish my penis had a tongue
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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