discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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