Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
