I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
