somebody snuck up and got me drunk
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
