WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
