It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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