DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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