2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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