he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
