so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
