The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
