I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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