He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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