rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
